So we all know how well I get along with my MIL. Lately it's been coming to a head - I don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones or just enough being enough, or a combination of both, but I am D-O-N-E with her.
She's not coming to my baby shower. After this whole big show at Cayden's birthday party (my friend who's throwing the shower was the same one who let us borrow her house - so she was at the party obviously. When she asked MIL if she was coming to the shower, my MIL made this huge loud deal in front of everyone - "Oh I'm NANA, of COURSE I'll be there. I can't miss it because I'm NANA." Gag me with a spoon.) she's not coming. She blames my FIL and says that he forgot to request off work. And you know, maybe she's telling the truth. But that's the thing when you cry wolf so many times, nobody believes you when the real time comes. I just have my suspicions, and I know my FIL has requested off work with less time, and has just called off work for less reason. The shower is also pretty early in the afternoon, and he probably could arrange his schedule to work later.
But of course, that all would require effort on their part. So she's not into it.
It's really the straw that broke my back, I'm so fed-up it's not even funny. It's like, if you made that big of a deal about being there, you need to be there. It's just all about the show with her, and I just want to scream put up or shut up lady!
So, I decided that when we get a c-section date, I'm not telling them. Why should they get to be there? I don't want them there, they just stress me out, and I don't think that they even WANT to be there to see the baby - just to put on another "I'm the best Grandma in the world" show. I especially look at Cayden's birth and how that went down, and I just don't want it to be like that. Them showing up late and me being miserable and MIL snapping pictures of me and talking about how horrible I looked and laughing about it.
Jeremy is totally on board with not telling them an advance date. He only requests that if it IS a c-section and I am hospitalized, that they are allowed to visit in the hospital - but it can be the day after or even two days after if I want, which I think is fair.
My Mom, however, thinks this is HORRIBLE, and says I can't do this to them. Again, in my opinion, they did it to themselves. They've shown pretty much zero interest in this baby, unless it's to someone else and they can put on their act. And, I mean... Plenty of women go into labor spontainously and don't call people until it's over. Is there a difference?
My friend thinks that I should tell them but then let them know we're asking people to wait until we call to come to the hospital. She thinks that hiding a date from them will start trouble. My fear is though, that they won't listen and will show up when they feel like it (kinda like how at Cayden's birthday we told them not to show up till 12:30 and they called us at 11 and were around the corner.)
So. What would you do?
Not tell them. I know it's not fair to them, but it's your "party". If they make you feel miserable when giving birth, well....the first few seconds with the new born should be a happy experience with mother and baby (and maybe father), not grandparents who hold the baby before you do.
ReplyDeleteAnd if they say something you can always say Oh I thought I told you.
But I would not tell everyone except them. So your parents know and a few of your friends but that's it.
I think you should be relieved that she's not coming to the shower. You don't really want her there, knowing how she behaves at functions. As for the birth, I'm agreeing with your friends. Tell them you are welcome to visit between the hours of x and x. Get your nurses on board--tell them you don't want your stress-inducing in-laws visiting before x time, and they will keep them away.
ReplyDeleteI have two sets of in-laws with stepparents. I love them all very much. But, when my first baby was being born, they were driving me nuts--all hovering around me in the L&D room and conversing with this party mentality that was totally out of place with my agony! The nurses just looked at me and seemed to pick up on my stress telepathically. So, they declared there was a no more than 2 visitors in the room rule--totally false--but everyone but my husband and mil left, and she eventually wanted to be with the rest of the family, too.
Babsie- that's what my husband said "You didn't want her to come anyway, so why are you so upset?"
ReplyDeleteAnd he's right, I don't want her there. But I'm tired of her doing this - making a big deal out of things and then backing out. For me, again, it's like put up or shut up. She didn't need to make a big deal out of how she was coming to the shower - I mean she seriously said "Oh, I'm Nana, of COURSE I'll be there" as if a baby shower couldn't happen without Grandma. And guess what? Obviously the shower IS happening without Grandma, because she's not coming.
I dunno. Hopefully I just go into labor and it won't even matter. I just don't even know if I want her that first day at all. I feel like I shared SO much of my son's birth with everyone, and this birth, I really just want to be about Cayden, Jeremy and I. And my Mom, because she's the one taking care of Cayden while I'm in the hospital.
I wouldn't tell her the date. You're (possibly) going to be having serious surgery, and it's totally up to you when/if you want people to come see you. It's not just about the baby, it's about you too. And too much stress is NOT good for your recovery!
ReplyDeleteIf she asks before the date, just say you guys haven't set a definite date yet. And when you do go in, let her know when YOU'RE comfortable, and if she asks, say you went into labor and they decided to do the c-section.
I recently found out I'm pregnant again, and I'll be having a repeat c-section with this one. We're flying my mom up from Texas to help out for a week or so, and I'll have her with me at the hospital, but I think with MIL and SFIL, we'll try to give them a time a little later in the day to come visit.
Sounds like a plan--I know for me, not everyone was as excited about the second baby. My husband and best friend were the only ones at the hospital--and it was definitely much more of a peaceful delivery.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't tell them. It will only stress you out and you certainly don't need that as you are welcoming your beautiful baby and possibly going through major surgery!
ReplyDeleteMy mom came (granted she lives 1200 miles away) two days after my c-section. It was the date I was to be induced so she already had her plane ticket. My in-laws didn't even know I was in labor until after it was all over -- and came a week later. They totally stressed me out then, so I wouldn't want them there for the actual birth.