He's my son

There was a song my cousin and I used to obsessively listen to when we were kids called he's my son. Back then we just thought it was a pretty song, but last night I heard it play over and over in my head. Especially the part that says "Can you hear me? Am I getting through tonight? Can you see him? Can you make him feel alright? If you can hear me, let me take his place somehow. See he's not just anyone, he's my son."

I was hit with some crap on Monday, we've been calling it the death flu around here. It literally knocked me on my ass and I could not move. Didn't want to eat, didn't want to sleep, just wanted to lay there and moan. I thought it was horrible.

Until Cayden caught it. Realistically I knew that he would eventually be alright, but Cayden's never really been sick before. He's had bouts of weirdness where he would spike a low fever, or just seem cranky, but he's only had one diagnosable illness, which was an ear infection, and it never affected him like this.

Originally, Eli was the one I was worried about. He and Cayden were both running low grade fevers, but Cayden was still running around like a madman, where as all Eli wanted to do was sleep. I also figured Eli's immune system was weaker than Cayden's, and if he was hit with something, it would hit him harder.

Then Cayden laid down on me on the couch and fell asleep - something he hasn't done in a year or longer. The boy is too busy to cuddle anymore. Then I worried a little - but he got right back up when he woke and went back to terrorizing. Then right before bed, he followed me into the kitchen where I was cleaning bottles and stood in the middle of the floor and just started to cry.

It broke my heart. I knew exactly what he was was feeling, but I knew he didn't understand why he was feeling so bad, and I knew he expected me to make him better - and I knew I couldn't. I did what I could. We put him in our bed to keep an eye on him. I gave him sprite (forbidden soda) to help his push fluids and give him a treat. I turned Cartoons on the TV and ran the humidifier and just cuddled with him until he fell asleep. Then his fever spiked and I had to do all sorts of horrible things to him to get it down - force feed him medicine (which made him cry and cough until he choked) put him in a lukewarm tub (which, again, brought on the tears) and keep wiping him down with a cool cloth. He still wanted his Mommy though, and he was still so very sweet - saying thank you after we gave him a drink of water, or reaching for my hand while I held his sweaty body.

His breathing really scared me. I'd listen to it rasp and see his little chest go too far in and I wanted so badly to fix it right then and there. We opted to wait until the doctor's office opened because with Eli we sat in the ER for 6 hours - and by then the office would be open. We could keep him a lot more comfortable at home. But it was hard - you just want to fix it. And you can't.

He has croup and an ear infection. And after two steroid shots Mommy's little tough guy seems to be bouncing back quite well. But I hope his immune system holds up, because I don't ever want to have to go through that again - and not because I was tired. Seeing him like that... It was really scary.