Being a Mom - it's a heartbreaking deal

Reading Rebecca's blog (which you can find here -http://1life1day.blogspot.com/ - she just had her first - CONGRATS!!!) has me living in the past. I can't believe I'm getting ready to do this all over again. I can't believe my itty bitty 8 lb baby boy is now 32 lbs and about to be 2 years old. With Cayden, around this time I was freaking out - wondering how I'd manage, if I could do it, how I'd handle being a Mom. I thought the second time might be easier - that I wouldn't be so worried, but it turns out I'm just worried about different things. How to give both my children the same amount of attention, how to do things better this time around.

My favorite piece of advice to give new Moms is just to enjoy every moment while they have it - takes pictures and record milestones but also live in the moment. I feel like with Cayden I was so concerned with documenting and recording, and focusing on what he should be doing or doing next... Well, I didn't really enjoy the now.

Everyone tells you how fast you go - but you don't really know. You can't really know, until it's your baby who has gone from this fragile little being who you love so much that it scares the crap out of you to this... Chubby little ball of dirt, sticky, and drool that still scares the crap out of you (because you still love it so much and because children do the scariest things - like head diving off the sofa and laughing about it.) Who can walk and talk and doesn't want to cuddle with you anymore because he has things to do and people to terrorize.

To this day I can't listen to the song "It Won't Be Like This For Long" by Darrius Rucker without crying. My husband teases me for it - but it's just SO true, and so fitting. Often times when Cayden wakes up in the middle of the night I find myself playing the part that says "but right now she's up and crying, and the truth is that he don't mind, as he kisses her goodnight and she says her prayers." He then goes on to sing "He lays down there beside her, till her eyes are finally closed, and just watching her it breaks his heart, cause he already knows - it won't be like this for long."

There are some stages of raising babies I can't stand - my son is currently in a phase where he just goes "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, hi Mommy. Mommy. Mommy - Mooooommmy!" I'll ask him what he needs - say hi back, it doesn't matter. He just wants to say my name, over and over again. But I try to remind myself that when he's 14 and pouting because I won't let him do something - I'm going to wish I could hear his tiny little voice calling me Mommy. As much as I complain about Cayden STILL waking up at night - I often look at his chubby little boy feet and remember when they were tiny little newborn feet and think about how it's going to be when I can't hold him - because he's too big, or because he's at college, or across town with his own family. I know, as a Mother, it's my job to prepare my son to live away from me and be on his own. And I knew that when I signed on for this deal. I guess I just wasn't prepared for how much it hurt. Some people try to tell me that it's a long way away - but I know that when you live in Mommy world, the clock is set on fast forward, and I have yet to find the pause button.

"Making a decision to have a child -- it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."

Should be cleaning and not slacking

My Mom used to have this shirt when I was younger... It said "A man's work is from sun to sun but a woman's work is never done." It always stuck with me, and today in particular it's ringing quite true.

We're holding out on buying any baby items right now - part of it is we're broke, but I know I could still pick up a few things here and there (especially at garage sales) if needed. Mainly I'm hoping we can get a sex confirm next week and then go with more gender specific stuff. But I do realize 4 months is not a lot of time - especially with all the crap and holidays coming up - so I'm trying to get the house in order.

It's not easy. First of all - my house is a mess. My husband and I? Seriously lack in ANY organization skills. And then my husband is a little bit of a pack rat (though he won't admit it.) It's not as bad as you see on Oprah or one of the hoarders reality TV shows, but it is bad enough to be annoying. We have cords that neither of us have any idea what they go too, he has clothes that he never wears (and I mean, normally I would encourage him to keep those, but the guy? Has SO many clothes.) And then there are things that we'd use if we have the space - like some of his power tools or some fancy cooking stuff he has - but we don't have the space. I don't want him to get rid of those things, but seriously? We have this HUGE breadmaker that we've used once since we've been married - because it just takes up all of our tiny counter. He has one of those really nice kitchenaide mixers - I don't think I've EVER seen him use that. His Mom got him this food processor. And I think if/when we move into a bigger place/house they'll be SUPER nice to have, but I think I've mentioned before our kitchen is the size of a postage stamp - we don't have a place to store them, let alone use them. I've suggested storing them at his parents or my Mom's (both have HUGE basements and told us we can use it as storage any time) but he refuses.

Well, now that we have another person coming into the house I'm not taking no for an answer anymore. I mean we have a hard enough time finding places for just Cayden's toys - now we'll have a new baby which comes with it's own gear. We need the space.

Anyway - I've digressed onto another tangent. Basically, my house is a mess and cleaning it is a huge task, because not only do I feel like I need to do the "normal" choirs - dishes, laundry, vacuuming, ect. but I feel the need to take on these huge organization stuff - like cleaning out closets, Cayden's toy box, going through the dressers and getting rid of clothes we don't wear/can't fix/are torn/stained, ect (which - I did that today, and can I just mention another pet peeve of my husbands is when he folds clothes, he doesn't turn them right side out. I had to refold a ton of stuff that was inside out. Really honey??) I feel like I'm constantly doing it - except now of course, where I'm being lazy and sitting on my butt online. It's hard too, because as I'm sure some of you other Mom's now, cleaning with a two year old? Impossible. I had a bag of trash on the floor yesterday, and he went through it, pulling everything out, and the same with the trash can.

That was a very long winded way to say that I'm tired, lol.

The good news is - whatever Cayden's issue was, it seems to be resolved *knock on wood* Last night he was up his normal one time - and slept to a normal hour this morning. I think it'll take me a few days to catch up on my sleep, but I'm just glad things are back to normal, for now at least.

I also finished cleaning/rearranging his room and for the most part decorating it. There's a few things we need to do in there - add Baby No-name's decorations and I'd like to finally complete the border and re-organize the closet and stuff. But it feels good to check off one thing off my list.

Alright, now I'm off to clean the living room which my son will just "re-decorate" once he's up from his nap.

No rest for the sleepy

So we took Cayden to the urgent care yesterday, and of course, as soon as we get there he stops acting the least bit sick and starts acting... Well, like a two year old. So, of course that makes me look like the over reacting Mom - even more so when they couldn't find a thing wrong with him. His ears look great, he's not cutting any major teeth that she saw, the only thing she said was his throat looked a little pink and she chalked it up to allergies.

Now, we have had Cayden on allergy medicine before but stopped giving it to him when he stopped having symptoms. I just didn't think allergies could cause a fever. I mentioned that to the doctor and she said he may have had a virus over the weekend, but he looked good now.

However, last night, same deal. Woke up crying, had to move him into bed with us, and he still woke up every few hours fussing.

I know my son. He's not the best sleeper, so if I honestly thought he was just regressing into old sleep patterns, I would admit it. I would be frustrated, but I would be able to say "my kid just hates sleep." But I know his cries. And I know the difference between "I want attention" and "I don't feel good." He doesn't feel good. Maybe it is from allergies. But I know my kid doesn't feel well, and I really felt like calling that doctor up at three am when I was up with him - again - and asking her if it sounded like there was nothing wrong with him.

I know it's not her fault - kids just get random kid diseases that they can't treat or really even diagnose and you have to tough it out, but damnit I'm tired and cranky and I have to take it out on someone, lol.

The upside to this is that I FINALLY got off my butt and rearranged Cayden's room. I vacuumed really well because Cayden's pediatrician implied that it might be the animals that were causing him to have allergies (and while his room is SUPPOSED to be an animal free zone, the door has been left open a couple of times accidentally and the cats have wandered in.) And then I got rid of some furniture and moved Cayden's bed to his new spot. I was half afraid that it might throw him off his sleep schedule even more - rearranging, but he passed out pretty quickly, so who knows, maybe it'll help?

And does any Mom out there have suggestions for how to get your kid to take medicine? The doctor recommended giving him pain meds before bed in case anything is bugging him, and then his allergy meds are before bed (because he takes a drowsy formula) but Cayden has lately developed a HATRED for medicine. He gets it in a dropper, and he used to love it - he took it willingly, said "mmm" and even asked for more - so I know it's not a taste thing. It may just be a control thing now, but I literally have to hold him down and force feed him, and I'm not even sure he gets it all, all the time. Tonight half his dose went into his freshly washed hair.

That about wraps up this week so far. Just tired, praying Cayden sleeps decently tonight.

As far as the baby goes - not much is going on there. Still haven't settled for sure on a boy's name. Still impatiently waiting for my ultrasound next week (if you're the praying kind, please pray that this baby feels like showing off the goods!) The baby is moving MUCH more than Cayden ever did - but I think that also may be due to the fact that with Cayden I had an anterior placenta which can block movement. I really need to get my butt in gear with buying baby stuff though. I can't believe I'm 6 months pregnant and have, like, nothing. OK, that's not true. We have our double stroller, and I have a car seat from Cayden, I just need to get it out of storage and wash it and stuff - same with the bassinet. I need to find our bottles and buy new nipples in case breastfeeding doesn't work, and I need clothes so badly for this child, but I guess I'm waiting for them to confirm boy or girl. I just feel so behind - I think because with Cayden everything really was done by now. And this time around, there are just other things to focus on - like my friends wedding or getting Cayden's party ready, or even getting Christmas ready before the baby arrives.

Here's another questions for Mom's - because I can't seem to remember. How many outfits does the baby need in each size?

Friday the 13th doomed our weekend

It had the potential to be a great weekend. I was supposed to have a bachelorette party on Saturday - and honestly I didn't really want to go... But I usually start things out like that. I'll admit I'm pretty much a homebody and most of the time I would prefer to stay home. I do get in moods where I like to be out, but for the most part... Well, I guess I'm just lazy. However, I'll also admit that I know me, and I know once I am out I end up having a good time - which is why I force myself to go. I knew it would happen like that at the bachelorette party. I didn't WANT to go, but I know once there, I would have had a decent time. I wasn't going for the full night - just what I called the "tame" version - dinner and pre-gaming (for the non-pregnant girls) before they headed out.

Well... It didn't happen. I mentioned before that Cayden's been super clingy lately... He's also been going through these... Well, symptoms of sickness. He'll only get one symptom at a time - for example a few days after I had my stomach thing when we went to the fair, his stomach was upset. Then that was done, but suddenly he got a runny nose. I figured it was teething or something, he seemed to feel alright...

Until this weekend. Friday night he woke up in the middle of the night. I went to go give him milk - he didn't want it. I picked him up to hold him, sometimes even know he wakes up and wants to be held. Poor guy was BURNING up. I gave him some medicine and moved him into bed with us. He woke up Saturday fine - all smiles. I chalked it up to some weird kid thing. I ended up sleeping in while Jeremy got up with him, I didn't sleep well the night before. When I came downstairs I noticed again, he was hot. More medicine, and a call into my bride to tell her I may not make it to the party because he was again, being uber clingy and at this point not feeling well. Well, as soon as the medicine kicked in - again, he was fine. No fever, running around.

I thought I was going to be able to go to the party. My Mom came over for a bit and we went out shopping and she bought us a new thermometer (I used to take his rectally, but now that he's such a big squirmy boy, I don't think I could do it anymore without hurting him. He won't keep it in his mouth or under his arm either, so she got one of those fancy head ones.) We get home, he starts acting cranky again. Take his temperature - it's back up to 103.something

I wasn't worried - he's not really eating much but he's drinking a lot - maybe even more than normal. And he really had no other symptoms. But he was again, super clingy and screamed when I even left the room - no party for me.

So I had a sick kid all weekend. Well, not really all weekend, because again, it was this weird medicine would kick in - healthy baby - medicine wears off - fever back type deal. However, tonight he DID pull on his ear, so we'll be watching that and if it happens again, off we'll head to make sure it's not an ear infection. Fun stuff.

I also think I'm headed for a fight with my best friend, which I have neither the energy nor desire to do... I just feel like I'm ALWAYS on the back burner. Granted - she has a lot going on, but I feel like everyone else always comes first and then me. It's a long story, but basically I've been trying to call her all week - and have heard nothing. She's gotten on facebook and hasn't responded to my comments, she hasn't texted me, nada. It was kind of insulting, actually. I mean I get people get busy, but if you have time to update your status, you have time to shoot me a "hey - saw you called, I'm swamped and will hit you up soon." comment, right?

Well, of course it can't be that - she finally messages me today and it's all about how she's busy with this and her brother has drama, and her other friend has drama, and her mom has drama... And it's just like... It happens, I get that, but it's just really an every day thing with her. Something is ALWAYS going on. And it's to the point now where it's just like... Well, what if I needed you?

It's just a mess, because I don't want to dump something else on her when she's got other crap going on and I really don't want a fight. But it's not like this is the first, second, or third time this has happened. If I call her, something is ALWAYS going on that's drama filled. And if she calls me... Well it's months before I hear from her.

Ugh, I'm just hoping that this Friday the 13th weekend is over, and it'll be an awesome week. I mean it has to be, right? We're a little over a week away from my next ultrasound, so that's GOT to be a good sign, eh?

Freaky friday

I've written a couple different posts these last few days... But because of issues with the internet, they didn't post. We have, however, solved the internet problem, so I should be connected from now on.

This week has not been a very good week. Cayden's either teething or going through a spurt or something - so he's just be crazy moody and VERY clingy. Well... He's been clingy for awhile now. The kid seriously calls for Mommy in his sleep. I'll go and check on him, and he'll still be out cold. There's an old wives tale that says if you have one sex and are pregnant with the opposite sex, your child becomes clingy. We'll see if this is true on the 24th. Mostly I just think that he senses me being pregnant and even though we've talked about it, he doesn't really understand so...

The other stressor is just money. Always money. We've cut back A LOT - no cable, no internet, stopped eating out, stopped going out... And the only thing we really "splurge" on lately is Cayden. Trying to get his birthday party stuff, his presents, Christmas. And even then, we've been INSANELY frugal and I think the most I've spent on one item is five bucks (thanks to the crazy Kmart sales.) Our Kohl's store is remodeling and keeps sending me 10 dollar gift cards, and then I've used some Amazon cards from swagbucks. So, we've snagged some deals. It's still scary though. Money is INSANELY tight - so tight that it looks like at the end of September we'll probably have to move in with my Mom. We're crazy behind on the rent - and while our landlord has been nice and worked with us a lot, he's got a business to run too. We're looking into assistance and stuff, but neither of us can dins a job - even at Wendy's, and it's just... Well, it's the crappy position a lot of people are in right now. I thought it would get better, and it hasn't. It makes me nervous. I know Cayden won't know if Christmas is scarce but I'll know, and I'll feel horrible. Not to mention we have a baby on the way, and while luckily we still have major items from Cayden (except a crib) I did give my old clothes to a friend and am not giving them back - so I have pretty much no 0-12 month clothes. I am watching craigslist, thrift stores, and once upon a child, and my Mom has been WONDERFUL about helping out. But I wish I could do it myself. Not to mention, the season is changing and Cayden's going to need new clothes soon. Ugh. It just grates on you after awhile.

Then last but not least - today is Friday the 13th and it's just been kind of a kooky day. I ended up backing into a pole today (luckily very little damage to the car - just a scratch on the bumper) people driving was horrible. My sister said at her job (she works at a clothing store) someone PEED in the dressing room. She said it wasn't a little kid because it was all over the walls and not just in a puddle. She also said it wasn't a man because they don't get very many men in the store and they tend to notice them more - they haven't had any all day. So, gross.

Then, I get a text message from my neighbor, Natalie. We have issues with neighborhood kids - they just aren't supervised at all, and the parents I do know of speak little to no english. Our next door neighbors are very sweet - but the mother speaks very little english, the father is gone all the time on business, the oldest girl is special needs, and there are two younger boys - one is 7 and the other is a little over a year. The 7 year old drives me nuts. We used to leave our toys on the back porch so the kids could play with them. But after several of them went missing or broken, we started bringing things in. Then there's certain toys that are for the little kids, and as much as I've told the 7 year old, he just won't stay off them. He doesn't listen, takes toys from the little kids, doesn't share...

Anyway, the mother often lets the one year old out - either by himself (I don't know if she assumed we'll watch him. But she doesn't ask.) or with the 7 year old to "watch" (and needless to say, he's easily distracted.) the one year old is constantly in the street and just all over the place. Tonight was the icing on the cake.

We weren't home, but our neighbour Natalie who has a child Cayden's age was outside waiting for us to come home so our kids could play. She said she saw the one year old go to the dumpster, and he looked like he was eating something. She asked the 7 year old if the one year old had something to eat, and the 7 year old said no, and went over to see what the one year old was eating...

Someone had left a dirty diaper by the dumpster and the kid opened it up and was eating poop!

I think I'm going to call CPS - I hate to do it because I don't think the mother is meaning to neglect her child, I just think honestly where she comes from, it's safe for kids to wander around. And it's not safe here. I would try to talk to her about it, but she can't understand me. I just feel like I'm stuck... I don't want her to get into trouble, but at this point I'm worried about the little one getting hurt.

What would you do?

*sigh* MIL's

My MIL kills me. We haven't seen her much lately, which, is just fine with me, because I enjoy her as much as I enjoy getting a pap smear, which in case you're wondering, I don't enjoy at all.

After we found out the baby was a boy (well, now it's may be a boy) all she could talk about is what if it was a girl - the things she planned on buying, the name she picked out. Uh, hello MY baby? Don't I get to pick out the name? I mean I know she's always wanted a girl, and I feel her pain, but maybe she should have tried for more kids. She did only have one.

Then we're out to dinner and she told the waiter I was pregnant. Which is fine, I don't care. But then she follows up by "Yeah, some day we'll be in here and this whole table will just be surrounded by grandkids." Really, Mary Anne? Who will be having these kids? Because I'm done.

And OK - I really may not be done. But I'm not telling her that, because I know if I do, the second this kid comes she's going to be pestering me to get pregnant again. No, thanks.

Then we go back to her house. They know full well our money situation. They know how tight it is. They have not even asked what they can get for the new baby. And OK, so it's not their job too. I can't complain about them being over-involved and then complain when they actually butt out of something. However, sitting at their house, my MIL starts talking about cribs. And I get a little excited. Cayden's crib was recalled and we used the money we got back from it to buy his toddler bed. So, we're without a crib. I'm trying not to worry about it - Cayden slept in our room for 4 months after he was born, so if this baby comes in December, and does the same, we won't need a crib till April. But, hell, if she wants to buy it, that excites me. Cross one more thing off the list.

She then turns to me and says "Well, what kind of crib do you think I should buy? I was thinking about putting it in that back bedroom."

....She wants to buy a crib. For her house. Her house that my son was never at, especially when he was an infant. Her house that my son has not done any over nights at. She wants to buy a crib for her house that in reality my child will never use.

And again - it's her money. I have no say in it. But I was just beyond floored that she knows we don't have a lot of money, she knows we don't have a crib, and yet she'd buy one for her house that the baby will never use, before buying us one.

Whatever, lady.

Then last night we were discussing Cayden's birthday party. I wanted to make sure to do SOMETHING this year, since it's his last year as an only child, and I'm sure from here on out we'll probably only do parties for the "big" years 1,5,10 ect. It's been a struggle though because our house is not nearly big enough to hold a party at - even if we invite JUST family (and since Cayden actually has a few friends of his own this year, I really wanted to make sure I invited them.)

We went back and forth about what to do. Places that threw parties were expensive, but at least we'd have some place to do it. Still, with needing to buy baby things, it's hard to justify dropping that much money on a party. My friend told me of shelter houses you can get for free, but then I worried about the weather, or since they're on a first come, first serve basis, what if they were taken?

My friend, bless her heart, offered up her house. That they just redecorated. They have a HUGE fenced in backyard so if the weather is nice, the kids can be outside. If the weather is not so nice, they have enough room inside for everyone. She has no kids of her own, so for her to just offer up her house to 12 screaming monster... I mean beautiful children... Well honestly it made me cry it was so nice.

It saved us a ton of money as well. We don't have to rent a place - my mom already offered to buy decorations, we're not doing actual food, just snack stuff and drinks, and cake....

The cake part made me think of Mary Anne. Last year she brought over this HUGE cake for Cayden's birthday. While it was a nice gesture, it was a little frustrating as we had a two cakes AND cupcakes already, so we had cake coming out of our ears, but whatever. Anyway, she went on that it was her thing... She gets a cake for everyone from this bakery for their birthday (only, she's never bought it for me for my birthday... Is that an insult?) So she wanted to get Cayden one too.

So I suggested to Jeremy that he call his Mom and ask if she wanted to do the cake for his party. She didn't have too, but at least I would know we wouldn't be swimming in cake again.

She agreed to get the cake, which was really nice. But then of course, that nice feeling couldn't last. She started questioning WHERE we were having his party at. And complaining.

"Make sure it has air conditioning. You guys had it outside last year, and it was so hot."

...It was the end of September, and it was raining. Trust me, it was not hot.

And then you can call it hormones, but I started to go off in the background. Jeremy had to leave the room. But it just honestly ticked me off SO badly. If you have so many requirements for the location of your grandson's birthday party, then you find the location, and you fucking pay for it you old hag. Or offer up your own house. Oh, you don't want to do it, because you don't want that many people over.

She just ticks me off.

It doesn't seem right to complain about pregnancy when I wanted to be pregnant so badly. But, it was mainly the end result I wanted - the baby. Don't get me wrong, there are things I LOVE about being pregnant, but there are definately things I could live without.

One of the biggest things I could do without? The whole argument I have with myself over whether or not something warrants a call to the doctor. What is probably a random bout with a stomach virus that you would normally just hang out in bed for a few days to treat suddenly becomes this big ordeal, and you wonder... What if it's something worse? What if something's wrong with the baby?

To give you totally too much information - I'm having really bad diarreah and just general stomach issues. I had it with Cayden, actually, and my doctor told me it had nothing to do with pregnancy. But, I think it does, and I was wondering if it was possibly IBS that for some reason only flares up in pregnancy. Yesterday, however, was definately something else. I couldn't eat, I couldn't drink, because it just hurt, and I would instantly have to go to the bathroom. We have friends in from out of town, and plans to go to the fair, so I toughed it out and went. Which, of course, sounds like a bad idea now, and I don't know why I did it, but I did. It ended up being about as much fun as I imagine a root canal would be, and then I came home and started throwing up.

I kept being sure that we'd head in to the hospital, and then talking myself out of it. Trust be told, I probably had a random stomach bug, and the heat of the fair probably didn't help matters. But still, there's a push and pull - it could be something worse. Suddenly it's not just yourself you're worried about, but this baby growing inside of you.

I wanted to call my doctor to see what I could take, if anything, but it was after hours, and since I go to a clinic they don't have an on call doctor, you have to call the hospitals on call doctor. I highly suspected that they would recommend me coming in.

Now, if I really felt like something was wrong, I would have. But I was pretty sure it was just a stomach bug. I was able to keep water down. Jeremy had to work the next day, I didn't want him up all night in the hospital with me just to be told I had the flu, and we didn't really have anyone to watch Cayden. But, it's still difficult, because you do worry - what if something is seriously wrong, and I'm just sitting at home like a dumbo?

However, I also kept feeling the baby move, so I was pretty sure he/she was fine.

I'm feeling much better this morning. Not 100% but I ate a bagel with little issue, so I think I was correct in assuming the stomach bug.

Let's see, what else? My sister got Pee-Wee's playhouse from the library, and Cayden is entranced. I, however, did not realize how sexual the show was. I watched it all the time as a kid, and didn't pick up on any of it, so I don't think Cayden will, and it's nothing HORRIBLE, just things that would probably never fly in a cartoon today. Like there's this lady who comes over all the time, and she does dress a little sexy, but not horrible. However, she flirts hardcore with any boy who shows up. In one episode the playhouse caught fire and a fireman shows up, and he talks about fire safety, and how you should have smoke alarms. She answers "I have a smoke alarm... In my bedroom... Above my bed"

Then in another episode, Pee-wee plays doctor with the mail lady. He says "oooh, I forgot to put on my mirrored headband" so he turns, picks it up, drops it on the floor, it's pointing straight up the mail lady's skirt. I don't know if that's what they were going for, but I couldn't think of any other reason why he would have dropped the thing.

That about sums up my life right now. I think I'm going to fix Cayden lunch and try to get him down for a nap, so I can take a nap.