It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't.

My son is almost two. In a little over two months, I will have another baby, and we'll start this whole thing over again.

There are days when I ask myself WHY I wanted to do it all over again - it may sound horrible but I think every parent has them. Sometimes they have nothing to do with how my son is acting... Like the other night when he woke up screaming because somehow his diaper came off and he had wet himself and his bed majorly. He was so upset that I couldn't put him down in order to change his sheets or get him new pajamas. I was really surprised that my husband or my Mother didn't wake up. Anyway, it was just a sucky situation where I didn't know what to do - and it being the middle of the night I was tired. I couldn't help but think "what happens when there's another one waking me up at night? What happens when that one starts crying at the same time as this one? Who do I mother first? How do I mother both?"

Sometimes, my son is bad. Please don't be like my Mom and say that he's not bad. He is. I get it, he's 2, most of the time he doesn't know better. Sometimes, he does. Either way, it still doesn't matter - if anything it's MORE frustrating when he DOESN'T know better.

I digress - my point is, there are some days that ANY parent can attest too, where I have to ask myself WHY I want to add to the madness. Why I want to increase my stress and my workload. What the hell made me think this was a good idea?

But then there are those moments... When my son tells me he loves me. Or he kisses my belly and says "baby" without being prompted. Or even when he does something "bad" but it's one of those things where it's so hilarious you just can't get angry at him for doing it. When he comes and sits on my lap to watch TV. There are days when he learns new things and shares them with me out of the blue, and once again I'm amazed at how smart and complex this little being is... And maybe they don't always happen when they should or how often they should, but maybe because of that I want to do it all over again. Maybe it could be considered being selfish. But, I love my son so very much, and all I want is another one to share that with. Like a vacation you loved, I want to go back year after year, and when I have moments like that, I can't help but wonder how people ever STOP having children. It suddenly changes from "how am I going to handle two" to "how am I going to handle it when I know we're done having children?"

I love the quote I used above because it's so true. I've said it many times before - motherhood is such a push and pull. Yes, I want to see who my son becomes, yes I love watching him learn new things and grow, but I don't want him to grow up. I don't want him to become a big boy, and while I'm always excited when he learns something new... I also have to cry a little inside. Because it seems like yesterday he needed me for EVERYTHING. He couldn't walk, talk, or even sit up on his own. Hell, he couldn't even hold his own bottle. And all I did was blink, and look at him.